The Choice of Happiness

So I've definitely realized that my last post was just a bunch of crap about me whining and complaining and not getting what I want.  How three-year-old of me.  I guess it's fine to vent every once and a while... I mean hey, it makes you feel better, right?  I'll allow that to be my one little annoying post and hopefully there wont be any more that consist of me crying about my financial issues for a few hundred words.

In other news, I do believe I have come to a great realization.  Let me then start from the beginning into what led me to this amazing new mindset.

I have always thought that in order to be happy, you had to be satisfied with certain (if not all) aspects in your life.  Many things in our lives are out of our control, and I always thought we simply cannot change what we can't control.  Naturally, I thought that since we can't change those things we can't control, we would just have to accept it and "get over it."  Ahh... get over it.  Unfortunately, that is one thing I am the worst at doing.  I am horrible at "getting over" things.  I don't know why, I'm assuming it's just part of my personality or perhaps some kind of more serious psychological problem that I am either subconsciously promoting or just consciously unwilling to admit.  Either way, I would never be fully happy about certain things in my life because they were not the way I wanted or not the way I made them.  This is what holds me back and keeps me from realizing my full potential.  I can only assume this affects others in a similar way.  Why should I do my best if it will never be good enough?  Why should I apply for that job if I know I wont get it?  Etc...

Lately I've been doing a lot of self-reflection in trying to understand why I am unhappy a lot of the time.  I've always been a believer in the simple notion that I can do anything if I set my mind to it.  The only problem was... I had forgotten all about that.  Somewhere buried under all of the stress, anxiety, and various sad feelings was this glimmer of hope that had been pushed aside.  I realize now that happiness is a choice.  You always have to look at the good and the bad, but you have to keep your life in perspective.  Just because you can't change something now doesn't mean you can't change it later.  If you have a goal, and you are committed - and I mean you know what it takes to achieve that goal and you are willing to do whatever it takes - then it will happen.  YOU have to make it happen.  No one is going to do it for you.  Being babied your whole life is the worst.  If you want it, go and fucking get it.

...which is exactly what I am going to do.  I will find my motivation, I will use it to the best of my ability.  I will use my knowledge and skills to get where I want to go in life.  It is rough right now, but I will remember that time is the cure for everything.  All you need is patience, perseverance, and time.

Crisis on the Home Front

Howdy.


I'm having some major issues living at home with my parents and my sisters.  Mainly, it's Pam.. the Queen Bitch, I'll call her PQB from now on.  Let's start with the basics here, people.


1.  I am 22 years old
2.  I work at a coffee shop for $8.25 an hour plus a few dollars in tips.
3.  My bills include, but are not limited to:  car insurance, three credit cards, gas, car maintenance, phone bill, etc
4.  I have not received any money at all from my parents other than for birthdays, holidays, etc. since I turned 16.
5.  I have, however, asked for some help and been denied.
6.  My parents just spend a shitload of money on brand new windows for the ENTIRE HOUSE.  That's over 16 windows.  Just so you know, our current windows are just fine.
7.  They also just ordered brand new leather furniture for our living room. Great.
8.  Soon I will be applying to graduate school at anywhere from $50-$150 per application.  I'm supposed to apply to EIGHT SCHOOLS.  That's a lot.
9.  Soon I will also be taking the GRE's, which is also $150 each time you take it.  Don't even talk to me about the subject tests.
10.  You could say I'm a little hard for cash.


Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that my parents won't help me out AT ALL.  Not even with my school application fees or test fees!!  Not to mention that the only way I could go to school is through student loans, and every single student loan I have is in my name and I have to pay it back all by myself... 


Don't forget PQB loves to nickel and dime me for anything and everything.  If there's anything she can get me for, she'll take the money for it.  We're on a family plan for our cell phones but I still pay for my data plan and text messages.  This past month I simply didn't have the money to give her, unless she waited for my paycheck.  She got so angry that she told me she was simply dropping my phone from the plan and starting on July 11th I would have no choice but to find my own service plan.


Right.


According to PQB logic, since I can't afford paying her for my data plan and texts I will obviously have enough money to afford my own plan for a FUCKING IPHONE.  Those shits are $100 a month if you have a plan all by yourself! Makes total sense to me!!  Pretty much she wants to make it my problem instead of hers.  I get it.  But really, you can't afford to let me slip by $30 this month?  Wow, thanks.


Living at home makes me feel sooooo loved.  I hope you can feel the sarcasm oozing out of your screen right there.  I am never good enough for anything.  In my parent's view, I am always doing something wrong, or being accused of doing something wrong.  I wouldn't complain if it weren't true.  Money issues, emotional issues, stress issues.  I can't get away.


I'm sorry this post is dedicated to depressing subjects and venting, but to make matters worse, my best friend, my dog Bailey, passed away about four months ago.  Another fishy situation that I will not be able to talk about for a very long time.  Since then there's really been no reason for me to even set foot in this place besides the fact that it is a roof over my head.  Honestly, I'd rather live out of my car.  I don't do that, though, because I like to take showers. :)


Does anyone want to adopt me? Kthnx <3

FINALS ZOMG

Hell week x2!!


As I journey along these last two weeks of the semester, all I can think about is how I can't wait for it all to be over.  Before that happens I must survive:  a paper on Industrial Melanism, a final draft of my senior research proposal on Eurasian Watermilfoil, a regular Microbiology exam, a ten-minute powerpoint presentation, an essay for Climate Ecology, WRD (Westconn Research Day) presentation on our semester-long project of the identification of soil microbes in Lake Zoar using the 16S rRNA metagenome, a Microbiology final, an Evolutionary Biology final, and a Climate Ecology final.  


College students let me hear what's uppp.


It's funny to think that after I'm finished with my undergrad I just want to continue on to graduate school when I hate doing schoolwork so much.  I guess I just realize how important it is, and that you have to work hard to get where you want to go in life.  Nothing is handed to you on a sliver platter... though some kids are brought up to think that way.  Not me :-)


No matter how much I enjoy the beginning of a new semester, I can't even tell you how much I love when it's over.  What joy a short recess brings in the yearly grind that is college life.  It can be severely difficult to attend school full time while working 30 hours a week and trying to spend time with your somewhat-long-distance boyfriend whenever you have a free second (which is like, never) and of course don't forget about all your other friends... wait, what friends? ;-)  It's sad I barely ever get to see anyone... unless you count the insides of my textbooks. 


I'm just trying to hang on for these last two weeks because even though I'm not graduating I'm having a HUGE party with all of my friends from school, work, high school, and anywhere else I may have picked up a companion.  I can't wait to see everyone!


On that note... wish me luck!

Stress.

Wikipedia definition of Stress: "Stress is a term in psychology and biology, first coined in the 1930s, which has in more recent decades become a commonplace of popular parlance. It refers to the consequence of the failure of an organism – human or animal – to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats, whether actual or imagined.

Stress symptoms commonly include a state of alarm and adrenaline production, short-term resistance as a coping mechanism, and exhaustion, as well asirritability, muscular tension, inability to concentrate and a variety of physiological reactions such as headache and elevated heart rate."

Right, so... now that I've actually read the definition of stress I see it in a very different light. I used to think that stress meant the pressures of happenings in our everyday, such as "stressing over work" or "money stress." I thought of stress as something that caused me to be uneasy, to lose sleep at night, and to just have an overall uncomfortable feeling. Clearly, I am not "responding appropriately" to the "pressures of happenings in my everyday." So. What does this mean to me, exactly?

Well, I'll tell you.

It means that stress is made up. Who makes it up, you ask? I do. We do. Everyone does. Culture, norms, interactions, media, peers, mentors... the list goes wayyyy on. I don't understand humans, and I'm one of them. Why do we create such intricate and silly ways of doing things? Why do we "stress ourselves out"? We are not running from a hungry lion, trying to stay alive. We are not hunting wild boars or scrounging for berries for food. Yes, we have to worry about money so we can pay the bills and buy food. Why does it always have to be about money? Majority rules, and it's the way we've been doing things for a very long time. Does it work? In some cases, yes. In most others, no. Money and possessions create greed. Greed is what fuels politics. So fun. Not really. I hate politics. Anyway, I digress.  Does it matter how much money we have in our lifetimes? Why does any of what we are doing as the human species matter? Honestly, not a single one of us can say that we know for sure. I don't care what you believe, because that is just it - a belief. It is NOT a fact. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. They do NOT have a right to their own facts. You can't pick and choose what facts you want to use while ignoring other crucial ones when trying to state your case. It would be the same thing as me saying that all bananas are yellow, and then showing you multiple pictures of only yellow bananas, clearly avoiding showing you pictures of green or red bananas. Silly example, I know, but say the key to taking a huge step forward in creating a better world for each other involved knowing the truth - that there actually were green and red bananas out there. If, for your whole entire life, all you knew were yellow bananas, and then one day all of a sudden you stumbled upon a green banana for the first time, you'd be mystified. Of course, most people already know the extent of banana colorings. Stay with me here, it's just an example.

Many powerful politicians (>.<) would love for you to believe that global warming isn't happening. Well guess what, folks. It is happening. And quick. People say... "Oh, we had such a cold winter! There's no way global warming exists!" Heyyy reality check!! IT'S CALLED CLIMATE CHANGE, MORONS. I wish whatever scientist that coined the term - "global warming" - didn't. Yes, the earth is warming, but mainly it means we are going to be seeing more and more extremes of temperature and other climate forces.

Let me try to put it for you simply.

The earth can only hold so much carbon in certain areas. For example, under the crust of the earth there are (or was) massive amounts of carbon in the form of - you guessed it! - oil. Petroleum. Natural gas. Coal. You get the point. Anyway, it's all underground, right? Well, it was. And since we've been using it, more and more carbon is being transferred from under the ground, out of our way, to into the atmosphere and water where we live and breathe. The atmosphere and water on our planet can also only hold so much carbon. There is a thing called the carbon cycle, and though it can get pretty complicated, the main points you should know include the fact that it normally deals with the carbon that is already found in nature - a.k.a. not all the waste we are pumping into the thing from using it for fuel. The more carbon pumped into the carbon cycle, the more bad things happen for us. The atmosphere warms, gas levels change, things fall out of equilibrium. This is bad news because of the simple fact that it is happening WAY TOO FAST. If this was happening over thousands or millions of years - hey, no problem! We'd all have time to evolve. As it stands, evolution has not exactly been able to catch up to us to clean up our mess. Evolution takes time. This is something we do not have.

Just chew on that one for a bit.

We're doomed, and there's plenty for all.

"Why must it feel so wrong when I try and do right?"  Thank you KiD CuDi for that.  Mr. Solo Dolo himself.
I don't understand conservatives.  I get that you should defend what you think is right, but why do I see it proven, day after day, that these people are so close-minded and blinded by their tunnel vision?  Stubbornness.  I hate it.  The Human Condition.  See that's just the thing... it sounds like the name of an illness, doesn't it?  Like someone asks you, "What's wrong?" and you answer, "Oh I just have the Human Condition."  Seriously it could be an excuse for all of our problems.  We've created a world we are not capable of sustaining and maintaining in a healthy way.  I hate the media, and many aspects of the American mindset.  Yes, America has a mindset.  They've got their mind set on consumerism and gluttony.  We are all guilty.  I just really don't want to be a part of it anymore.  Honestly I could go on all day on a rant about this.. but really I have a LOT of work I should be doing (and of course I'm procrastinating... do you see a trend?)

Why is America SO completely and utterly obsessed with violence?  It's the main topic on the news; it is becoming more prominent in our everyday lives.  It also has taken over the video game industry.  This bothers me terribly.  I was having a conversation with someone about violence in video games.  I merely stated that I didn't like it, and I didn't understand why so many people were obsessed with games like "Modern Warfare" and "Call of Duty," etc.  He told me he liked it because it wasn't real violence, and that it was "fun, fake violence."  What the hell?  FUN violence?  I feel like that should be an oxymoron. I get that people like to play video games because it takes you away from your everyday life for a while. So does alcohol, heroin, cocaine... I could go on.  Why do we create our lives to be so stressful or monotonous or bad that everyone feels the need to check out for a while?  Who do you know that does not participate in any kind of activity that distracts them from their everyday life?  I can't think of a single person.  Even TV distracts you from your problems.  What a positive feedback, huh?

Anyway... time to start my outline about my Candlewood Lake Milfoil senior research project, and then study for an evolutionary biology exam.  So fun. Not really. Bye.

Biology. Just live it.

Sooo... I'm a science major.  Biology, to be exact.  This coming December I'll have my degree! (...finally.)  I know many people who would rather spend hours at the dentist getting their teeth drilled than learn about biology and its significance in the world.  To me, biology is the world.  It is every single living thing on this planet and whatever other planet there was or is life at any time.  Life fascinates me.  I feel like if I had to choose something to spend the rest of my life learning about it better be pretty important.  I'd say that you, me, and every other amazing life form are pretty damn important.

I had a discussion with my boyfriend the other day about whether biology or technology was more important.  I'll tell you right now - my argument could not be refuted when I said "You would never have technology without biology."  Without life, more specifically humans, there would never be any kind of technology.  I think that goes without saying, but apparently my boy needed a reminder.  I do understand the importance of technology.  I also understand the harm it is doing to the environment... rather, the harm WE are doing to the environment.  Sometimes I really just wish we were all hunter gatherers again.  The most change we would do to the environment would be killing a few animals (organic!) and picking berries off of trees (also organic!).  Such a simple life.  All you would need to be worried about is not being eaten and making sure you can find enough food to last you the winter!  We would all be so skinny. ^.^

This might be really sad but my dream is to find a desert island with an ecosystem consisting of (but by no means limited to): various fruit plants, palm trees, a beach, fish that live in shallow water, running fresh water, birds, insects, small mammals, and reptiles.  Oh right, and don't forget... me!  I want to move there and just find my own food and build my own shelter and not do bad things to our planet anymore.  Maybe one day it will happen.  I'm 99.99% sure it has a 99.99% chance of not working out.  Still, I dream of being rich enough to buy my own island.  It happens, right?  Totally.  That's what I thought.